I’d walk away like a movie star
Who gets burned in a three way script
Enter number two
A movie queen to play the scene
Of bringing all the good things out in me

But for now love, let’s be real

I never thought I could act this way
And I’ve got to say that I just dont get it
I don’t know where we went wrong
But the feeling’s gone
And I just can’t get it back

If you could read my mind, love
What a tale my thoughts could tell
Just like an old time movie
About a ghost from a wishing well
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet
But stories always end
And if you read between the lines
You’ll know that I’m just trying to understand
The feelings that you lack
I never thought I could feel this way
And I’ve got to say that I just don’t get it
I dont know where we went wrong
But the feeling’s gone
And I just can’t get it back.

I like the Vikki Carr version.

I got a haircut.

Oh, and not just any haircut. No, no. I got bangs.

I had been thinking of a new hairstyle for a bit. David recommended that bangs would looks very lovely on me, and though I did want something different I was not thinking “bangs.” That was a bit too extreme for me. But after visiting three different beauty salons and debating over whether to get my hair cut or not, I finally marched into one and boldly asked for a layered trim. Then, with a bit more courage, I asked for bangs. The whole cut plus tip cost $20 and I do believe I got my dollars’ worth.

I walked out of that salon looking a very different person. Same body, same face, same clothes. But my hair…completely transformed!

I will be posting pictures soon because I can’t keep my old profile pictures up, not with this new ‘do. I came home and my mother “oohed and ahhed” over my hair, and my dad couldn’t stop smiling and telling me it looked great. And for a guy who doesn’t usually notice important things like this, that’s pretty darned important.

“So what’s the next step?” David started joking with me. “New clothes, new shoes, now you’ve got new make-up and hair…”

Hmm. Time to get that piercing I’ve always wanted!

Later on Eunice and I met up for a movie and cookie dough. I really miss her and hanging out with her; I wish we could do it more often. We watched a movie called Fried Green Tomatoes – it was the perfect movie to watch with a best friend, and I loved it!!!

The answer is no. I’m not sure what to write/what NOT to write on a blog. I write what I feel, and if perhaps it should be censored, I create a password for it. I don’t usually put arguments of my relationship into the blog because I know that’s a very private arena, not only for me, but for David as well. I have to respect his feelings. I have to respect a lot of people’s feelings. This is, after all, a very public blog. Anyone could stumble upon it.

That being said, there is a good pile of stuff labeled “highly important” that I never yak about. However, my fuse was cut short today and I cannot resist letting off some steam. The subject?

My mother.

Yes, I love her. I do, and I would not want anyone else for a mother. But god, sometimes I just want to scream at her.

Okay, as stated in previous blogs, my boyfriend is poor. Look at my blog The Princess and the Poor Boy for reference. He doesn’t have much. Shit, who am I kidding? He doesn’t even have food! He eats at my house because he seriously cannot afford to go grocery shopping. Yes, this is a sad reality. But I don’t mind. My entire family and I all know his difficult situation. We, on the other hand, are well-off. We have enough food in this house to feed the required 7 people, plus two more.

Today I told David to bring over his laundry because all his clothes were dirty and we’d get it done faster together. No biggie, two loads of clothes, that’s 2 cups of detergent and maybe a cup of softener…anyway, he goes to work and I come downstairs later to finish up the load when my mother goes…

“Honey, is that David’s laundry?”

“Yes….”

“Doesn’t he have his own washing machine?”

“Yes….but he doesn’t have money for detergent or softener…”

“Well, honey, he’s practically moving in! I mean, you know? Come on…”

Come on? COME ON???? YOU come on!!! Oh, I got SO mad.

No, he’s not ‘practically moving in.’ He has his own place to sleep at that he pays $500 a month for on minimum hourly wage. OF COURSE HE HAS NO MONEY LEFT!!!!!!!!!

This isn’t the first time she or some members of my family have been snooty. I HATE how my parents act like, “oh, this stuff is OURS.” Excuse me, but we are incredibly well-off, and my boyfriend is trying to study to become a nurse and is paying way too much rent for a single room. Can’t we offer him a little help without freaking out????

Just so angry.

And then there are the ones you want to run away from, simply because they challenge you, are unafraid to stimulate your brain and push you to your limits. You think, Why the hell do they keep tailgating me? Well, to encourage you to move forward, of course.

After taking a shower this morning, I looked in the mirror. I saw how beautiful I had become, how I have been 90% free of all thoughts of self-mutilation. I have been taking good care of myself, making sure I brush my teeth all the time, I wash my face, I am gentle with my body. I eat healthy, yet refuse to deprive myself of the occasional pleasure. I thought, “I am so much more in tune with my Aphrodite than I used to be.”

For many years, starting when I was in seventh grade, I proclaimed myself pagan in religious belief. I found the belief on my own, through a desire to find something else, something more meaningful to my personal life. Long hours in the library yielded pagan and wiccan books, and I emerged myself in this belief. As time went on, I became more thoughtful, asked more questions, and deepened my spiritual understanding. I made one of my best friends who worships Ninanna to this day.

After a break up with a boyfriend in my junior year of highschool, it seemed all inspiration to find the goddess within myself slowly faded. The relationship I had with this young man stirred my emotions like none other, and I had written hundreds of poems and a dozen songs to account for the strong spiritual awakening occurring within me. This was also at the height of my self-mutilation. But I never paid attention to my self-mutilation until after this young man broke up with me. I had never paid attention to myself. I had called myself a woman of Aphrodite’s beliefs, yet the scars upon my body strongly suggested otherwise.

I started senior year of high school with a lot less artistic inspiration but a great deal of motivation to heal myself, mentally and physically. And I met my current boyfriend, who has loved me no matter what scars I’ve shown him. He has, indeed, changed my life. He has gotten me to look in the mirror with a smile on my face and love the young woman staring back at me. And now that I am at peace with myself, that I am moving on in a different direction in my life, I wonder if it’s time to go back. To once again meet with my inner Aphrodite, to love, nurture and heal her. Now that I have read and understood the many faces of god, now that I have complete faith in a nameless higher being…am I ready to once again give that higher being a name that reflects myself?

I felt better around two and we went swimming. I came home and was STARVING considering I hadn’t eaten at all, and I ate an apple with PB and 2 quesadillas. I feel so sick, I wish I had just dealt with my hunger. I drove David half way to work (he rode his bike the other half way there) and now I’ve got the afternoon to myself. I can catch up on some sleep, work on my site, do some journaling…but you know what I really want to do?

Read Harry Potter.

I saw the trailer for the new movie yesterday and got the craving to reread the last 2 books, novels I never spent much time on because I was impatient to know the ending. I’ve the the first 5 memorized by heart, but the last 2 have been my goals to reread. So…here I go!

Of course, I am the only one who has been drinking all the sesame milk, therefore the only one to have horrid symptoms. My mother says she has lost 7 lbs, but she isn’t even all that sick. I’ll be so pissed if I step up on that scale and find out that I haven’t lost a single pound, though I’ve been quickly losing my insides…

We were going to go to Karyn’s Raw restaurant today and I was just going to pass, but because I feel shitty (haha), my parents are staying home as well. No sense making a huge trip out to the city.

David just called and said he’s not working until 5, and Yayo gave me a bunch of his CD’s to burn onto an MP3 player. Looks like a got a day’s work ahead of me.

I ended up buying an eyelash curler (always wondered about those things!) and three new headbands. Yes, I am slowly adding to my make-up/hair collection. I only need to buy a couple other staples and I’m set; as of this moment I am on the search for mascara and eyeshadow.

http://beautynotbrutality.vox.com/

A new blog of mine, not updated as much as this one. More used as a personal reference.

Other stuff I need to buy at Wal-Mart:

-lipstick/eyeshadow

-sunblock

-flip flops

-Almay stress eye gel

-L’Oreal voluminous mascara, or waterproof Maybelline mascara

-L’Oreal plentitude gentle exfoliating cream

-head bands!!!

I gladly and shamelessly spend money on myself.

That’s me right now.

Yesterday I got my strapless bra…it’s truly a beauty. I got $10 off it from my last Victoria’s Secret purchase, so I was quite happy with the product. I have wanted a strapless for I don’t know how long. It really is the little things in life.

I had a thought the other day. My student usually brings in prompts that start out like “One day, I was taking a walk in the woods, and….” and then she’ll have to write an essay/story. To get back into writing, I’ve decided to take on the task of finishing those stories. I think it’ll be fun…wish me luck!