I have some serious thinking to do today.
After taking a shower this morning, I looked in the mirror. I saw how beautiful I had become, how I have been 90% free of all thoughts of self-mutilation. I have been taking good care of myself, making sure I brush my teeth all the time, I wash my face, I am gentle with my body. I eat healthy, yet refuse to deprive myself of the occasional pleasure. I thought, “I am so much more in tune with my Aphrodite than I used to be.”
For many years, starting when I was in seventh grade, I proclaimed myself pagan in religious belief. I found the belief on my own, through a desire to find something else, something more meaningful to my personal life. Long hours in the library yielded pagan and wiccan books, and I emerged myself in this belief. As time went on, I became more thoughtful, asked more questions, and deepened my spiritual understanding. I made one of my best friends who worships Ninanna to this day.
After a break up with a boyfriend in my junior year of highschool, it seemed all inspiration to find the goddess within myself slowly faded. The relationship I had with this young man stirred my emotions like none other, and I had written hundreds of poems and a dozen songs to account for the strong spiritual awakening occurring within me. This was also at the height of my self-mutilation. But I never paid attention to my self-mutilation until after this young man broke up with me. I had never paid attention to myself. I had called myself a woman of Aphrodite’s beliefs, yet the scars upon my body strongly suggested otherwise.
I started senior year of high school with a lot less artistic inspiration but a great deal of motivation to heal myself, mentally and physically. And I met my current boyfriend, who has loved me no matter what scars I’ve shown him. He has, indeed, changed my life. He has gotten me to look in the mirror with a smile on my face and love the young woman staring back at me. And now that I am at peace with myself, that I am moving on in a different direction in my life, I wonder if it’s time to go back. To once again meet with my inner Aphrodite, to love, nurture and heal her. Now that I have read and understood the many faces of god, now that I have complete faith in a nameless higher being…am I ready to once again give that higher being a name that reflects myself?
Call the Divine what you will, but as long as you continue to reflect, take stock, take a step aside, you’ll find it within.
How you chose to express this, to play with it, to learn from it, to grow with it, is up to you.
…at least in my experiences I have found this to be true.